A Happy Muslim now and always
I am borned muslim. I started reading the Quran when I was 10 years old - if I am not mistaken. There was a basic subject in school where we get to know about Islam. Basically everything was very brief. Nothing like now where we have a choice to choose Islamic studies and later proceed to Al-Azhar and so on.
My late parents were borned muslim too. Somehow, they sent me to the neighbours to teach me Quran. It was o.k. As a kid I like to play alot. Being fresh we pick up fast. I completed the holy book before I reach my lower secondary school. Looking back I can recall that I could read the Quran so much easier when I was a kid. Pages and pages without weight - even though I didn't understand the meaning.
There was no elaboration. Once a while an elderly person who was trying to advise the children will quote some verses from the Quran (that he understood!). Mainly because we were naughty and disobedient.
I was in a convent school for two years. Surprise is a surprise. Allah had arranged such. I saw the nuns. Somehow, wasn't taught by any in class. I had a Christian friend who used to carry her bible around. She was a Chatholic. When I met her in the later years she was still carrying the bible - changed to Protestant. Haven't met her since then.
I had good memories in school even though we have to cover the cross on the emblem/badge. We pinned it on our upper left hand side of our attire. During assembly I just look at my shoes and kept quite while others said their 5 minutes prayers. We were happy girls. None tries to convert anyone. No such thing.
After so many years leaving school I felt funny when I heard incidences whereby someone tried to convert someone else into another religion. It has become a problem in a way. I just don't understand.
Later in college, I had subjects on history, fekah and tauhid. I love history more than anything else. Fekah and Tauhid came so much later in my life. I have a stable foundation as a muslim. A basic guide. Thats all. Nothing big.
I started reading the translation of the Quran when I was 25 years old. I collected it from an organisation here. I read it first before giving to my boyfriend then - an atheist. Through the translation I read about 'sirah nabawi' of prophet Muhammad s.a.w in detail. I remembered it until now. We are so used to mentioned prophet Muhammad s.a.w in many occassions - without nowing about his struggle to bring Islam to the ummah. I was really touched. This was the first book that I really read about Islam in detailed after living in my 'Islam skin' for 25 years. Allah wills it.
I grew up as a young lady. Like many others. FEKAH and TAUHID came so much later into my life. I did all sorts of funny things. Yet I do pray- I started praying since I was 16 years old. Thanks to my late parents. I tried my best to pray 5 times a day. It was funny I didn't wear hijjab yet I pray. I knew I am not getting anything in return. What a hassle, to clean the make-up and to put it on again and not getting anything at all. How silly.
Enough is enough. By the grace of Allah S.W.T I went through a downfall. Allah is pulling me back to Him. I was on a track with many junctions before. I wasn't clear about myself and about Allah S.W.T no doubt I prayed many years. I was a lost soul - a muslim in name.
When the entire universe had left me in the cool, Allah S.W.T picked me up. I was advised to buy a book titled 'Don't Be Sad' instead I bought Al-Quran with translation and Tajweed for 150.00. I knew no human words can cure me. I don't believed in any human words then. I started recited the Quran for about 2 weeks day and night. I gained my strength and was outside again. This with Allah S.W.t by my side. It took many years for me to first clean my heart before I could see Allah with it. I went through stages. A prearranged stages. I learned about '20 characteristic of Allah' - something which was too difficult to understand before. Later I learned about asma ul-husna, a book that I could not understand which was in my possession for many years. I bought many books written by the great Imams only - those who lived hundreds of years ago. I read books about sufism - Rabiaytul Adawiyah, Al-Qusyairi, Ibn Qayyim Al-Jauziyah, Syeikh Abd Qadir Al-Jailani and have a very strong intention to master Arabic and Al-Quran one day. Books are my true friends.
I feel blessed that Allah S.W.T is the sole teacher who has guided me to read all these books. I do not have any teacher other than Him nor do I attended any class. When taking my abulution I have always followed the prophet s.a.w sunnah to say dear Allah please make my face shine at mahsyar, please give me my book by my right hand, please protect my head from the burning sun at mahsyar, please make my ears listern to all advices and choose what is best and please guide my feet on the 'sirat'. I learned all this guided by Allah S.W.T through the Quran that I read and the Hadis from Rasulullah s.a.w. . I never talk to friends what I did. I did it all alone in secret.
Somehow, Allah is great. Others will know without telling. Node and smile and brushed aside any feeling from the heart. I thought that my heart is already clean. No no. Never think such because iman is like the graph on the stock market. It must be enhance all the time. I am quite lucky because we have an above average t.v channels towards the Islamic teaching. My childhoods days things - all the same. Something basic. A guide for many people.
It needs a lot of understand about myself, where am I leading to, am I on the right track today, is my heart clean, what is the meaning of clean by the way, why is my iman not stable, what else shall I do dear Allah? Question after question is pounded by the brain - to be digested by the heart.
I said I loved Allah S.W.T - Rasulullah said those who loves Allah must always be prepared of His test anytime, every minute every second.
I said I love Rasulullah - and Rasulullah said if that is so - we must be prepared to live in 'poverty'
For my muslim brothers and sisters, do not be disapair. Allah is always watching us. Before we are borned, we have already been asked whether we are willing to go through life. We signed an agreement wth Him earlier. He knew it all. He knew whether we could withstand anything that happened to us.
Do not complicate your life by what you expect from others - in anything. People are always people. They have limitations. Do not compare. We are muslims and we have Allah S.W.T to ask anything. Anything. The basis of being a muslim is we do every single things because of Allah S.W.T in sincerity. Yes the word is SINCERE.
Don't worry too much. Talk to Him all the time day and night. It is o.k. He is the Almighty and He loves His creations more than anything else.